Esquire’s sex columnist on the truth about “girls night out,” wedding obsessions, and more revealing solutions for the bedroom

WOMEN ESSENTIALS: New Facts, What She Wants, Funny Rules, 75 Dating Tips, and Last Chance for the Ultimate Survey >>

By Stacey Grenrock Woods

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Women don’t like explosions, in art or in life.

Women aren’t as funny as men. We’re often cleverer, frequently wittier, but to be really funny demands a certain clownishness that our grace just does not allow. It’s fine, really it is.

We grow pathetic goatees and look awful in cargo shorts anyway.

Women are aware of about 10 percent of the things men actually think and say about us. Best to keep it under five.

Women love to be taken out to eat. It makes our day.

A clean apartment will get you more tail than you’d think.

Given the chance, women will smell and re-smell the scented-candle display at the store. We really can do this for ages.

Our clothes are complicated, our shoes unforgiving, and our constitutions delicate, so please, valet park.

Every living woman likes wedding crap. Even lesbians.

“Girls night out” is usually some other woman’s idea.

Oftentimes, women simply want to lie back and get laid.

One orgasm is usually enough.

Women would rather be with you. We like you. Honestly, we talk about you all the time.