78 percent of all U.S. nipples are not being pinched, tweaked, or otherwise constricted in a severe enough manner
In Politics: Nation’s Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports:
WASHINGTON—A new study released this week by the U.S. Bureau of Masochism has concluded that American nipples are critically under-clamped, bolstering long-held suspicions that the nation is rapidly losing interest in the thin, delectable line between pleasure and pain.
According to the study, which surveyed a wide swath of citizens who have been very, very bad, 78 percent of all U.S. nipples are not being pinched, tweaked, or otherwise constricted in a severe enough manner. In addition, the study found that nearly 90 percent of all Americans are not currently down on their hands and knees, begging for more.
“The vast majority of U.S. citizens are just not receiving the physical punishment they deserve,” said Masochism Bureau director Geoff Knowlton, who was permitted by his mistress, Alexandria, to meet with reporters despite being unfit for anything but groveling at her boot heels. “Unless something is done—whether with a riding crop, a stiff wooden paddle, or a series of humiliating commands to bark like a dog—this problem will only get worse. (…read more, theonion.com)
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American nipples: sex study praised as urgent wake-up call
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